I have been thinking a lot about my future~ about what my plans are and how do they coincide with Gods plans for me….I had something happen the other day that I will share with you. Again, this is my journey, just sharing it as it happens. If it benefits you in anyway, I am so happy , truly…it make this so worthwhile.
I was on my laptop, like an other day, and it started to run very slowly. It froze, so I had to restart it. When I did I got a white screen with a big flashing folder on it. The folder had a question mark on it and my computer would go no further than that. I tried every trouble shooting maneuver I could think of. I looked online and tried to find what other people did when this happened. To no avail….so after a whole night and morning of frustration and dead ends, I called Apple Helpline. I found out that my warranty had just expired 3 days prior. So the gentleman I was talking to transferred me to his supervisor, Tim. He spoke to me for a few minutes and asked me just a couple of questions and said that it sounded like my hard drive needed to be replaced, but that my warranty was done. Then he proceeded to tell me that because it was so close to the end o the warranty he was going to make an "exception" on my warranty and that Apple would cover the cost of parts and labor on a new hard drive or whatever the problem was. I was sooooo happy!!! Then I realized that everything I had stored on my computer was gone. All the photos from the past year, all 3000 of them~ gone….music, songs, writings, poems….gone. I thought I should feel bad or angry or something, but the only emotion I felt was happy. I had literally honed my photography skills over the past year, I had spent hours editing, sharing, pouring over the memories that were contained there. All the family gatherings, friend hang outs, birthdays, holidays, babies born, kids sporting events, vacations, beautiful landscapes…….oh, I should have felt devastated, I couldn't get any of that back….but for some odd reason I felt free, released, refreshed, healed, happy….I felt happy they were gone, somehow lighter! I know, sounds crazy…then right smack dab in the middle of the Apple store, God starts talking to me ~illustrating to me what has happened…ready……here we go…hearing His voice so clearly in the middle of this crowded, congested Apple Store, this is what He showed me. He showed me the memories, he showed me that every time I looked at those photos, they did exactly what I intended them to do, which was to take me right back to the emotion of that moment I was looking at. But see this year, out of any year of my life, has been the most painful. I have gone through devastating losses and every moment of that pain was on that hard drive. Every painful milestone. Losing my mom in Sept. 09 became the gauge by which I began measuring events. "It was before"- or "it was after". The smile in my "after" photos never really reached my eyes. So, I went through the most intense heart pain I have ever felt, and had no idea how to handle it - or life- or relationships. The past year represented a time of excruciating emotional pain, deep introspection into my faith and my own personal beliefs, an intense phase of loneliness and isolation, a lost and abandoned hopelessness and depression..YET…a sense of change, of excitement, of transition. A deeper trust in God and His sovereignty, a willingness to not judge others according to my measuring stick or anyone elses, but to allow them to be who they are. A love that is intentional and passionate toward my husband and my boys. An appreciation for every relationship that has been carefully formed over the years. I had so much pain, but soooooo much gain. So what I learned in that Apple Store, as Ryan, replaced my damaged hard drive, by the favor of God…was that what had happened this year was finished. The work He had done in me was complete for this season. I don't need to relive it, or rehash it. I need to stop lingering and looking back, but intentionally, forcefully, on purpose, move forward. What I needed to come out with has been established in me. Sure there will be times I will remember, times I will feel that pain, but I have been given my Visa to travel, my passport to be free to step into the next season….its FALL now! I love Fall!
My encouragement to you friends of mine, or if you happen onto this note by some other way, regardless, is to be open, to share your heart, to remain pliable in Gods hands as he works on you. Sure there are painful and trying times that may be right in front of you, but as you go through them, you will start to understand that every step brings you closer to becoming who you are really intended to be. An for those who think they are just how God wants them and they have already arrived at that place of perfection, well, I would suggest to you that life is much more meaningful and enjoyable when you look at the stops along the journey and share them with your fellow man :) Love with all your heart, forgive over and over, listen to that still small voice inside, and walk in the spirit...most of all...BE GENUINE!
No comments:
Post a Comment