What's so GOOD about it?

Today is Good Friday. Its called that because its the day Jesus died on the cross. Its observed by Christians all over the world. It represents Jesus' death; his obedience to fulfilling his purpose. Taking the sin of the whole entire world upon himself. Giving himself as the most Holy sacrifice to God. In turn we now have the opportunity to accept the salvation that His obedience brings. Something that has always struck me about the moment on the cross when Jesus died, was the statement that the "veil was torn". In other words what separated us from God, had been opened and now we have access to a relationship with God through the blood of Jesus. Its really an amazing thought. I am not one to push religion down any ones throat, or tell you what you should be doing, or how you should be living. Who am I to say any of that? We are all equal and human, with shortcomings, failures, quirks…in my eyes, none of us is perfect or more "holy" than the other.  But I did want to share what I was thinking this morning about Good Friday.

Its a day thats celebrated and embraced and called "good". But do you think at the time it was happening, anyone would have called it "good"? The pain that he felt, the dishonor, the rejection…the confusion and fear. He was human…he knew every feeling a person would have. How about those around him, his mother, his friends and family, knowing he would be gone forever, for a crime he hadn't committed. Guilty of nothing except bringing hope and love to a dying world. Yet, we call it "good". Why do we call it "good"? Because of the outcome. Because we see, feel, experience the wonderful joy of freedom in that salvation that could only come from that pain. He had to go through ALL of it, so we would be free, free to worship, free to love God…free to live and make choices and not be bound by the laws of old, which no man would ever meet up to. We are human, remember. What I realized is that when we are going through life and situations feel unbearable, painful, hard, impossible, depressing, crazy, hopeless…when every ounce of who we are cries out "no! please! I can't go through this emotional or physical pain!" …Call it "good". The outcome after you go through it, brings about a new person, a free person, a person confident that they can handle life. Even when it brings death, it accomplishes its desired purpose, whether we know what it is or not at the moment. Life is full of so much joy, so much wonder, but also so many struggles…call them "good" and wait for the next step which will be healing and freedom….

I Will Never Be the Same

Have you ever had a moment in life, when you knew from the core of your very being that you would never be the same?

That you were forever changed by what you felt, saw, or experienced?

Those are moments I like to call "pivotal moments". When they happen, there is no denying the impact it has on you, whether internal or external. I remember such an experience so clearly…
One of my dearest friends had been diagnosed with breast cancer. It was about 4 years ago now, but it seems like yesterday that I was walking into Trader Joe's to do a little shopping and she called me.
I sat on the bench outside of the market and listened as she explained that she had found a small lump in her breast, had it checked out and sure enough it was cancer. She sounded so detached and matter of fact. I think she was in shock, and I know I couldn't believe it. Cancer had woven its way into my circle of friends…well as she made decisions for herself, her body, her health, her family…the bravery and courage she displayed was phenomenal. She gave herself every opportunity to thrive and survive!  Her faith and her perseverance were inspiring to say the least. The love and respect I already felt for this amazing woman seemed to multiply with every step she took. All i could really do is pray, hug, listen, laugh and cry to be a support to her.  Before her surgery a group of us friends and husbands took a road trip up to see our pastor, who lived a couple hours away. He and his wife had been our pastors for many years, but no longer had a church in our area.We all had first hand seen and felt the power and presence of God they carried.. it was undeniable.  She decided that before her major surgery and treatment started she wanted them to pray for her.  As her support team of family and friends all traveled up with her we were filled with expectancy and hope! There was something taking place that none of us had ever experienced before, bonds were being formed, selfishness and ulterior motives had no room to flourish. All that mattered was getting our dear friend into the power of God released by this man and his wife for one more time, one prayer, one touch….never had life felt more precious.  As we gathered into that tiny little church and filled the chairs with our expectant hearts, the atmosphere became charged.  The power of God was so intensely present and real to each of us. It was such an experience for everyone in that place.  As we drove home that day a feeling came over me  and I said out loud…"I feel like I'm never going to be the same". Something inside me changed, it pivoted, it shifted and I knew then and there, God had changed the course of my life. If even one degree, in the long run, that experience will never leave me... that feeling, that moment. It will forever be embedded in my heart.

Within a month after that, my mom passed away suddenly. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Amazingly enough, that group of women who had formed such a special bond, they were right by my side. Supporting, praying, just being there for me. My dear fighting friend showed up to my moms funeral with drains in her wounds from the double mastectomy she had just undergone a week before…the moment when life tells you, you will never be the same…

The Tournament

I have been through a long period of upheaval, perpetual motion, constant instability and a rollercoaster of emotions in the past few years of my life.  I am by nature a calm, stable, consistent person. I like to fly by the seat of my pants, but in my core I always keep my feet grounded.  I know I am no different than anyone else, we all go through challenges in life. It just feels like this has been a very long road!  But in it, I have learned some really valuable lessons!  In the midst I have been shaped, formed, reshaped, reformed, thrown out, tossed around, realigned, shocked, dismayed, overjoyed and peaceful. Without realizing it in the moment, each ordeal has left me more prepared for the next situation upon the road of life. 

I will refer to this phase of my life as the Tournament. It has been a time of battling opponents, sometimes winning, sometimes having to start again, but each time my ranking in the tournament changes. Each time I win, I move up in the tournament and I come against a more skilled opponent. I have to reach deep down inside and pull out some guts from the last round to give me the fight for the next. Regardless of the outcome, I know I gave it my all, and I know that I will get another chance. I truly believe that God doesn't expect us to be like another person, He doesn't compare us, He just expects us to do the best we possibly can with the equipment we have inside. He equips us for lifes experiences…but He equips us uniquely to suit our person, our being. Its amazing when I think of His creative nature and how excited He must have been as He created each one of us. Excited about our whole life, not just the moment we came onto the earth. When He created you, He actually saw your whole life unfold, He created that part of you too! 

So round one of the Tournament began with these changes that started taking place at our church. Jerry and I had started going to this church when we first got together. We got married there, had our kids and raised them literally within this church family. Our church was like a culture ~intense, spiritual, healing, consuming. We were immersed in our time, our emotions, our devotion to this place and most of all to God and His people. We had strong leaders and pastors who trained us one on one to handle life and its challenges, we had friends who were like family. We were there every time the doors were open. We were involved, to put it lightly. Every Sunday was exciting as the spirit would move and peoples lives would be changed. It was the best training ground I could have asked for, but when the pieces of the puzzle started to crumble…it was devastating. This place had replaced the broken family I had come from, it was the new addiction in our lives. We watched, with what felt like helplessness and denial, as it fell apart.  

So now what? What do we do with our lives, our time, our devotion, our love? Where do we go to find that intensity? How do we live normally??  The wrestle against the loss started to manifest and soon became fear and anger.  It caused us to alienate ourselves from all our relationships that were formed in the midst of that  part of our lives. We became friendless, or so it felt.  It felt like we were naked and exposed. It was  horrible, uncomfortable, confusing, maddening. It felt like we had trusted so many, and been trusted by many, and it was poof…gone. So now what? We loved God and truly believed that we had purpose and destiny. We wanted to be in the right place for our lives.  I wish I could say, it was an easy road to healing, I wish I could say there is some sort of happy ending, but what happened is that we grew, we matured, we changed. We grew through the fear, through the hurt and the questions. We learned to let go of dependent relationships that were at times unbalanced and unhealthy. We learned to focus on each other~ our marriage, on our kids, on our own personal relationships with God. We learned to be forgiving and loving even when it hurts. We learned that its perfectly fine to say "no" and mean "no". We learned to find peace in the midst of a storm. We learned that we are really tenacious, we are really kind, we are really, really in love with God.  We got to a point after all the confusion of our lives started to clear, that we learned to balance family, church, God, work, social lives and "me" time. Balance is the major lesson of this particular leg of the tournament….balance. When life is out of balance, things don't add up….there is a natural balance and rhythm to your life. Living out other peoples motives and agendas doesn't leave room for what God has for you.  I am all for supporting others and vision and being a part of helping someone fulfill the plan God has given them, don't get me wrong. I am positive that much fulfillment comes from helping others. But when that part of your life, out weighs the love and care you give to yourself and your own family, it is out of balance.

In the Middle of fighting that round of the tournament, we got thrown into another arena of battle. We became the target of the neighbors who lived below us. We were living in an apartment that was upstairs. We had neighbors that lived below us for 14 years. The first 10 years we had no problems…then all of a sudden they started complaining that we were banging on the floors, slamming our doors, literally trying to make noise to bother them. We were so caught off guard, we are very quiet people. Like more quiet than most, so we were dumbfounded. It was horrible, we became the object of their mental illness. Our landlord would call at all hours asking us to quiet down, when we would be sleeping or not even home. The police would show up at our door, because the neighbors were adamant that they were being threatened, or all other kinds of crazy stories. We ended up in court a couple times, with our landlords trying to get them evicted, and they wouldn't budge. Talk about a stubborn opponent!  Remember, the more stubborn, the more YOU grow! I was tense anytime any one would come to our home, because I didn't want to make a sound. The tension was unbearable, so we started planning on moving. It was hard, because the rent there was very reasonable, we were close to the kids school, it was our home. But we knew that we couldn't stay there much longer. 

We must have won that round because then we got slung into the hardest round to date. My mom passed away. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she went to sleep and just didn't wake up. Her cleaning lady found her. No goodbye, no adjustment period, no tears, no decisions to be made…not one last hug or word of love and goodbye…she was just gone.  The ramifications of the death of my mom reach farther into the depths of my heart than I would have ever imagined or can explain. My mom was my closest confidant, my biggest encourager, the gift God gave to me. She was truly my best friend and the best mom I could have ever asked for. Loosing her has been devastating….the grief has lifted over the past 2 years, but I still miss her and think of her many times every single day. I truly thank God for the blessing she is to my life, even to this moment.  So I have fought and I have grown through grief.  I realized that a lot of the things I went through in the whole church thing, had prepared me for this time. I had learned to feel loss, I had learned to reach out to God, even in my pain and trust Him to heal and deliver me. When it comes to this round, I could go on and on, but a part of me doesn't want to relive all those emotions, all those months and months of seclusion, depression and pain. Grief is a powerful emotion and state of mind. People try and talk you out of it, judge you in it, help you get through it, get frustrated with you because you aren't the same. Grief changes you, and it makes you much more human, much more understanding of our weaknesses and frailties, much more accepting of the gift in each person. The reality of death so close to you makes you appreciate those you love, it makes you live more fully, take more chances, open your heart when you feel it, and stop looking for others approval in your life. Death brings LIFE! As ironic as that is and as hard as it is to comprehend….its true. I have learned to accept who I am, fully, without apologies…the good the bad and the ugly.

There is more to my story after that…quitting my job after 21 years, moving into my moms home, moving to Arizona, moving back  to California…..tournament after tournament, opponent after opponent…..and I have realized that there always will be opponents as long as I am moving forward. The harder the opponent, the bigger the tournament, the more you win, the better skilled you become. I am now asking God for new opponents, the kind with skills and experience, the kind that when I defeat them, I can walk confidently into a new arena.  I no longer fear the tournament. I have been through battles, just like every single person I know. What I have learned is to embrace the journey, embrace Gods voice…he will definitely talk to you through it, embrace the battle, the movement, the pain….embrace it all…surround yourself with people who are for you and you are truly for them….I am being molded, I am being purified into who I was originally created to be. When God saw my whole life, He saw each of these battles, He created the tournament JUST FOR ME…….He knew what would become attached to me as a child and need to be chipped off as an adult. He knew the baggage I would try to load in my trunk at every stop, so He helped me unpack some of it and leave it behind.  I am so excited about the road ahead, whatever that brings I am ready. GAME ON!

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

Hi friends,

I am not really a football fan, its fun to watch every once in awhile, but I don't have a favorite team or anything. I would much rather do many other things besides watch a football game, but this season seems to have brought out the fan in my hubby. So there have been some games playing lately. Intense games including running and yelling and kneeling. Every time a game is on the TV I feel like God is saying something to me.  I know..I know...God and football? Blame it on that Tebow guy....lol. But yes, God will use whatever I am focused on to teach me and give me a visual example of His plan.  I thought I would share the illustration with you, its been a while since I have written, so stick with me on this one. Use it if you want, apply what fits, and come along....

Now in football there are some very important pieces of equipment that you have to be dressed with. You have to wear a helmet, some pads, a cup, cleats, mouthpiece, a uniform....get it? You have to be dressed before you even get on the field. Just as in life, I need to make sure I am dressed in the protective gear before I step foot onto the field.  I know what will happen if I take a fall and my helmet isn't secure, my thinking will get damaged and all out of whack. I know if i don't have a cup protecting my reproductive system, I could stop reproducing. Without my cleats, I will fall flat on my face, I will have no traction or control....I need my gear. 

I have coaches and they are the ones who put the right team players into the postion best suited for them. They know exactly what my strengths and weaknesses are and how to best utilize me so I am a benefit to the team. The team is made up of many different players, some who are stars and stand out with the best plays and the most yardage. But every person on the team is important. The stars would never be able to run if there wasn't someone down the field blocking for them. The quarterback would be sacked every time if the blockers didn't defend him and give him time to throw a pass. Some kick, some run, some defend, some stand on the sidelines just waiting for that one moment they are needed. A team isn't a team without everyone. Never discount your part to play on a team. Just because you are in the background or you aren't utilized to your full potential at this moment, trust your coach(God) . He knows when your ready, He knows how eager you are, He knows your strengths and will use you when it just the right time. Being a star in His eyes, means being obedient. Imagine if all the players just went on the field and did whatever they wanted...what a mess... We have to practice, practice, practice and get ready for that moment we are called on the field. We have to learn to work toward the goal, no team gets a touchdown every play. There is a strategy to life, and sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But there is always next season!! Get your gear on and hit the field!!!

Love you all, hope you enjoyed sharing with me!

xoxoxox Kristin

Who's tending your garden...?

Okay Okay, I have been wallowing around in this weird funky mess of a pity party for awhile…its like I come out and go back in, come out and go back in…and personally I feel exhausted from it. This weekend seemed to top it off as some things happened that brought up a lot of old feelings and emotions…ones I had thought were long gone. So this morning as I arose I knew that I had to do something different today. I had to get into my spiritual garden and find out where the path out of this weedy place was.  The emotions that have been coming up for me have been fear, loneliness, denial, complacency, insecurity and maybe even a little hopelessness. Now anyone who really knows me, knows that these are areas of my life that seem to cause struggles every now and again, but this time, it felt like a wave rolling over my mind and my heart…like a bank of fog coming in and causing my vision to get distorted and like I couldn't see an arms length in front of me. It was blinding.

So this morning I went out to water the lawn. It keeps looking like its dying, and we water it almost  everyday. As I am out there and I start looking at the garden and feeling frustrated because there are things going on with my plants that I am not happy with. My garden doesn't look healthy. It looks overgrown, half-done and lacking in nutrients. It looks like I am just allowing it to get by.  No TLC in awhile….haha. Oh I love how God uses the garden with me.  So I started by trimming some  dead leaves and flowers off the rose bushes. Then I went to my pretty potted plants I had planted in early spring. The geranium leaves were looking yellow and the wilted. I realized that I had been allowing them to sit on the porch, but that they were starting to form a kind of root rot from not getting enough direct sunlight and air. So I moved all my big planters off my porch and into direct light. Its amazing how that happens to us …we think we are in the right spot, but we are actually temporarily planted. In a pot our roots can only grow so deep. We need to be planted in the ground. I need to find the right ground for me to plant my self, because the roots of my life are starting to rot.  A transitional life gets old and stagnant after awhile.

As I walked to the front of the house I realized that the ferns I had growing in the front of the house were really starting to look big and overtaking, so I thought I would trim them back a bit. The more I trimmed the more I saw that the other plants next to them, which are my favorites, Hydrangeas, were being forced to grow sideways because of the big leaves of the fern. The fern which is beautiful and lush to the eye was literally choking out the more delicate flowers that I longed to see. Such is my  life….The things that seem like the biggest blessing and the most important to deal with have become over powering and consuming. I have allowed them to choke out the lovely and beautiful moments of refreshing and laughter, that grow so easily in my garden. But see it was an easy fix, just not one that anyone else had noticed or thought really mattered. You can't expect someone else to know your garden the way that you do…Its YOUR garden. Its where the things of life are planted and sometimes you gotta get in there and cut back the big leaves in order to find the treasures hidden way beneath.  Some might think my garden looks a little bare now, but I have been through this enough times to know that those fern leaves grow back really quickly. I just have to tend to my garden diligently.

I have found the Lord so faithful to speak to my heart as I go through things in life. If I stop and listen. He will use the garden, the computer, the relationships, the ocean, my children…its endless, but He will literally use whatever I put my hands to, and He will show me what the issue is and how to give it to Him. Today He used my garden to realign me and help me realize that the things that seem huge always have a way of working themselves out.  Whats most important is those soft moments, those ones where you stop and just allow Gods peace to surround you.  I was blessed after my garden class with Him to get a phone call from a dear friend, and I was able to share my heart openly with her and it really helped me get my mind and heart back in balance. It turned out to be a great day and fresh start!  God wants me to lean on Him, trust Him and be happy and free to be me! Ferns are beautiful, strong and tenacious….but so am I.

Why fly alone...

Some of us are loners, people who have been accustomed to doing life with or with out people. Loners by choice. We have gone through experiences that have made it hard for us to trust others. We meet new people and sometimes feel that tug from God on the inside to reach out, or the feeling that maybe, just maybe, you might be able to have a wonderful friendship with someone, but when it comes time to get together, or make a phone call and reach out…..you stop. You go into protection mode. You become self enthralled….you start making excuses, or reasons that sound pretty darn valid, even to you. Why do we do that?? How is that benefiting our lives? Who are we protecting and from what? 

As I was walking today…(yes, I have started walking…and it feels great!) I kept seeing all these Pelicans flying by. I am not a "bird" person, in fact I can't stand birds, but pelicans are amazing to me. i love to watch them soar and glide through the sky. They seem to grip the air around the cliffs and the water, just skimming the waves. They hug the curves of the cliffs as if by instinct. They seem so big and majestic yet fly through the air with ease. What amazes me most about them is the way they fly in a formation. There is a leader of the V shape that they form and they glide and fly so amazingly in line. Why do they do this? Well, thats what my mind kept wondering this morning, so I investigated why…the reason is because when they fly in formation the wind is already broken by the bird in front of them. This is what I read :

Our results provide empirical evidence that, compared with solo flight, formation flight allows birds to reduce their energy expenditure while flying at a similar speed.

"In birds flying in formation each wing moves in an upwash field that is generated by the wings of the other birds in the formation."

Even when pelicans struggled to fly in a pattern, the benefits still outweighed the disadvantages.

Oh my gosh! Can you believe that….God was giving me a visual illustration of why we need to allow people into our lives. We need to trust again that those who lead us aren't necessarily going to go off course, but that they will break the wind, they will soar to new heights, and if we are in formation, we will go right along. Pelicans can go a much farther distance in a group, than by themselves, because they expend much less energy.  

As I watched this flock fly past me today, I noticed a few stragglers, coming up on the rear. There is an area along the coast that is a cove and it gets really windy there. It looks like the birds use it to play in, they soar and dive in the wind. Well one of the stragglers didn't keep up with the group of birds and she started playing in the wind, all by herself. I watched and I laughed out loud. This bird looked like it was having so much fun! But I realized, that this is how I am at times. I will separate from the flock and the power of the group to soar on my own and play the way I want to.  I will get caught up in the moment and lose focus on what my goals are and how to accomplish them, within the power of the flock. On our own, we may have fun, we may soar and dive and use the winds of life that turn us and twist us…but if we would just stay with the flock, we wouldn't have to work so hard, we could use the aerodynamics of the group to soar.

We all need each other in this life, and I don't mean that you need EVERYONE to be your "best buddy". But when God impresses on your heart to reach out and get involved in something or make some new friends that have similar interests as you, or you feel a completely divine connection, don't let it pass you by. It can be hard to fall into the rhythm of the wind with that flock again.

Love you all, thanks for letting me share, yet again another piece of my journey :)

Kristin

Christmas...

As the lights twinkle brightly upon this green tree, and the oranaments hang like they want to be seen.

I remember the years of laughter and love, and I know that your watching from high up above.

I feel you in the details of every sweet treat, I see you in the eyes of family I meet.

My children still linger and let out a smile, just thinking of you and your laugh for awhile.

The pain that was felt last year is now dull, the mind is more eager to remember what was full.

All memories of shopping for this and for that, wrapping and spending some time to just chat.

There is an emptiness, a void that is felt, I can almost sense you beside me, and I melt.

You will never be physically here in our midst, but your spirit lives on in each hug and each kiss.

The holidays encompass so many good things, but stress and regret can bring on some sting.

So I cling to your traditions, some big and some small, but the one I rely on is to love one and love all.

I miss you this year, Maybe more than the last. I miss your sweet presence, your cooking, your laugh.

But I'll lift up my head, in true mothers fashion, and give to my family with humble compassion.

I wonder like a child at the lights and the smells, I will express all my heartfelt forgivings and get wells.

Because the gift you have given me, far above the rest, is the memories of Christmas and living your best.

XoXo...

Kris

Experiencing the Ocean

royal palms today

two beautiful pelicans flying sea level

                                            

the dimensions of the coastline

wave after wave rolling in

my favorite place on the earth

the sky was very hazy, but the sun seemed to shine right through

the gift

As Christmas approaches there is an almost eerie presence of holidays past lingering throughout the house. The memories of years gone by are fresh and ripe for the picking. Laughter and excitement fill the unspoken thoughts and I wonder if these will ever fade. This is to some a very hard time after losing a loved one...wow, saying that out loud feels like I am walking in somone elses shoes. I don't talk like that, I never lost a loved one, I had never really been through this. But as I go through it this year, I realize that I am no longer in a haze. I no longer feel the stabbing pain of regret and denial. I have only shed a few tears so far, and they have been tears of joy at the delightful memories that the holidays evoke. Its almost like a legacy, a mantle, these memories. And then yesterday I recieved the best gift anyone could have ever given me...


I was in the garage as I often am these days, looking for something that has been boxed up and unpacked since we moved into my childhood home a year ago. I saw an unfamiliar box covered in dust and I immediately took a look inside.  It was a box filled with notes and letters and rantings and tears. It was the fruit of many years of my moms emotional work. She had boxed up notebooks full of the "hot penning" she had done at one of her many "Beginning experience" weekends she had participated in after my dad and her had divorced. I felt like it was a gift from my mom to me at this time of my life. Something about being in your forties, you start to look at your life and realize where a lot of your habits, hangups, hurts and overall dysfunction stem from. Mine in particular always seem to be traced back to my relationship, or lack there of, with my dad.  I can clearly see a pathway that has led me to the spot I am at right at this moment.  Within these notes were letters that my mom had written to my dad, whether she sent any of them I have no idea, but the revealing of her raw emotions during that pivotal time in all of my families lives was so cathartic. It felt like a healing balm flowing over me as I read page after page...the passion with which she cherished her children, the mothering instinct that saw every effect and  stumbling block that my fathers actions caused in her kids lives was like a light bulb turning on. Seeing the situation from her unique perspective was so insightful and helped me in ways I can hardly express. Part of what eats at me is the lonliness of those years, the feeling that I was alone and that no one stood up for me. But reading this reminded me that my brother, sister and I had an advocate, we had a lawyer, we had a friend...my mom. In the midst of all her pain she felt at the failed marriage she had, her main concern was what the effect on us was. All her hopes and dreams, diminished, but her belief in the goodness within each of her children was tireless and trusting.  I heard her pain, but I also heard something much deeper resounding off of those pages...it was hope, it was purpose, it was love.


So I am sharing that today, because I really want to focus on the gifts money can't buy this season, the ones that are truly precious and if we just look around, are within our grasp daily. I have been given a gift in the months passed, being able to enjoy such bittersweet memories, but the priceless gift of my moms love and compassion is still resonating within my life. Take a look at the beautiful gifts you have been given, they are all around you, don't get hung up on what you can or can't buy, its temporary and feeds a need or a want for mere moments. Have a spectacular day unwrapping what is already yours.


xoxoxo,
Kristin

A year has passed since I lost my mom

I hesitated as whether to share this with you all, as it is truly a private moment of my heart...but there is something so theraputic about sharing this journey with others. So many people have been here with me as I have dealt with the loss of my mom...still I have felt so alone. It makes no sense, but the more I try to figure out how to deal with death, the harder it is...So as I sit here reflecting on the past year of my life, I wonder how I made it through with my sanity….I have been throughout the hardest  time of my life and I have needed the closest person to me to go through it, but that person is the one who made it the hardest time. My mom passed away on Sept. 21st, 2009. 

I was at work and the phone rang  a little after 10 am. When I answered it was a familiar voice, my sister, saying "Moms dead". I screamed, "what??!!!!". She said it again. I immediately left work and raced to my moms house to find my sister  and her husband, the cleaning lady,  the paramedics and the police all there. I was shaking and confused and scared. I went into my moms bedroom and there she was laying in her bed. Her head and her body were covered with a sheet. I stood over her and I pulled the sheet down. She was in her night gown, her eyes were closed, her legs crossed, her skin was full of color. she was oddly still and you could tell something was starting to happen beneath the surface of her skin that was causing a discoloration. It was hot in the room and there were flies trying to come in. 

The paramedics wanted the phone number of my moms doctor, which seemed impossible to find. When we finally did find it on the calendar she had been writing all her dates on, the paramedics called her and she said she would sign off on a natural cause. So they left and the police told us it was our responsibility to call a mortuary to come and pick up my mom.  Thinking about that now, I have never felt so helpless and scared. The reality that my mom was in the next room with no life in her. The woman who had so lovingly taken care of me all these years, was in heaven. Her spirit had departed this world as I know it and was with God.  There was no warning, no midnight call, no struggle for her last breath. 

She was alone as she died. I didn't get to tell her how much I love her, although I am positive that she knew. I started looking around the house for some sign that she struggled thru the night. Some inkling that she was scared or that she didn't feel good. None. She was laying in bed like she a snuggled in for the night and expected to arise in the morning to  her normal routine. She had left her dinner dishes in the sink and her crossword puzzle on the table. Her mail was in the same pile as always.   The reason anyone even new she had passed away was because the cleaning lady had come in with her key. She just thought my mom must have already gone out for the morning or was sleeping still, so she let herself in when she didn't answer the door.   those moments after coming to my moms house were the weirdest, saddest, most uncomfortable  times of my life, yet I cherish them. I often wonder if I hadn't been there to see my mom in her bed, dead, would I carry these memories. No, I would have another memory of that day. A cold memory of her being in a hospital or morgue. What if she had collapsed somewhere, surrounded by strangers, what if she had struggled and couldn't cry out for help….so many what ifs.   Day in and day out I carry these memories. Sometimes they make me really sad and almost traumatized, other times I don't allow myself to think about that.  I wait for the day when the memory that shines the brightest is one of her alive, talking, laughing, playing with my kids.  I want that to be the first thing I think of, not of her laying in the bed, and the feel of her lifeless skin under my hands and the cry inside my throat as I almost expected her to open her eyes and look at me.  If I could have just one more hug from her, one more kiss, one more back rub, one more talk, one more cry….if she could be here now to understand my pain, to hold me and just be that one person that  gets me. God, I miss her. there is an ache in my soul that just down't go away. My mom is truly my best friend. I spent hours and hours talking with her about her life and her heart. Her desires, her dreams, her disappointments. There was never a moment that I felt I couldn't go to her with my heart on my sleeve. I would walk up the stairs and in the front door and not say a word. Just her wrapping her arms around me would break the flood of tears inside me and she would hug me till they were gone. She would hear me when I spoke. She liked me. She loved to be around me and  I around her. We could just be together and it made us both happy. I miss that. I miss that love, that smile, that complete acceptance. I really miss that.

The weeks, the months that have followed her death have been such a painful time. I never really realized how much I depended on her for so many things, still as an adult. Everyday I need her. I wonder if she knew how much she was needed and how much she would be missed. I hope she knows. She is the only one who took care of my kids, she is the only person I could talk to about my finances. She is the only person who knew how to understand my frustrations in life, yet encourage me to go on. Now I just feet frustrated and I really don't know what to do with it. I hope i can learn how to handle it.  Daily I think of the things she taught me about life and about caring for my family, and about being a good person.  Daily I also think of the things she taught me that are not healthy and are not life giving, but are ways she coped with pain, both emotional and physical. Ways she didn't give herself the credit she deserved and ways she always thought everyone elses needs and opinions were more important than hers. Ways she was like a little child inside, not fully matured emotionally, yet playful and naive to the evil parts of this world.  She trusted that people would be honest and that noone would hurt her.  

So this is the first of my mom chronicles. I am ready to let go of the pain of grief and misgivings. The woulds shoulds and what ifs….there is a new chapter that is coming to my life  and I need to step into it. Its hard to step anywhere when I am carrying a mound of the past on my shoulders. So I expect layers to start to  come off. Layer one…please be gone.

Replacing the Hard Drive

I have been thinking a lot about my future~ about what my plans are and how do they coincide with Gods plans for me….I had something happen the other day that I will share with you. Again, this is my journey, just sharing it as it happens. If it benefits you in anyway, I  am so happy , truly…it make this so worthwhile.

I was on my laptop, like an other day, and it started to run very slowly. It froze, so I had to restart it. When I did I got a white screen with a big flashing folder on it. The folder had a question mark on it and my computer would go no further than that. I tried every trouble shooting maneuver I could think of. I looked online and tried to find what other people did when this happened. To no avail….so after a whole night and morning of frustration and dead ends, I called Apple Helpline. I found out that my warranty had just expired 3 days prior. So the gentleman I  was talking to transferred me to his supervisor, Tim.  He spoke to me for a few minutes and asked me just a couple of questions and said that it sounded like my hard drive needed to be replaced, but that my warranty was done. Then he proceeded to tell me that because it was so close to the end o the warranty he was going to make an "exception" on my warranty and that Apple would cover the cost of parts and labor on a new hard drive or whatever the problem was. I was sooooo happy!!! Then I realized that everything I had stored on my computer was gone. All the photos from the past year, all 3000 of them~ gone….music, songs, writings, poems….gone. I thought I should feel bad or angry or something, but the only emotion I felt was happy. I had literally honed my photography skills over the past year, I had spent hours editing, sharing, pouring over the memories that were contained there. All the family gatherings, friend hang outs, birthdays, holidays, babies born, kids sporting events, vacations, beautiful landscapes…….oh, I should have felt devastated, I couldn't get any of that back….but for some odd reason I felt free, released, refreshed, healed, happy….I felt happy they were gone, somehow lighter! I know, sounds crazy…then right smack dab in the middle of the Apple store, God starts talking to me ~illustrating to me what has happened…ready……here we go…hearing His voice so clearly in the middle of this crowded, congested Apple Store, this is what He showed me. He showed me the memories, he showed me that every time I looked at those photos, they did exactly what I intended them to do, which was to take me right back to the emotion of that moment I was looking at. But see this year, out of any year of my life, has been the most painful. I have gone through devastating losses and every moment of that pain was on that hard drive. Every painful milestone. Losing my mom in Sept. 09 became the gauge by which I began measuring events. "It was before"- or "it was after". The smile in my "after" photos never really reached my eyes. So, I went through the most intense heart pain I have ever felt, and had no idea how to handle it - or life- or relationships.  The past year represented a time of excruciating emotional pain, deep introspection into my faith and my own personal beliefs, an intense phase of loneliness and isolation, a lost and abandoned hopelessness and depression..YET…a sense of change, of excitement, of transition. A deeper trust in God and His sovereignty, a willingness to not judge others according to my measuring stick or anyone elses, but to allow them to be who they are. A love that is intentional and passionate toward my husband and my boys. An appreciation for every relationship that has been carefully formed over the years.  I had so much pain, but soooooo much gain. So what I learned in that Apple Store, as Ryan, replaced my damaged hard drive, by the favor of God…was that what had happened this year was finished. The work He had done in me was complete for this season. I don't need to relive it, or rehash it. I need to stop lingering and looking back, but intentionally, forcefully, on purpose, move forward. What I needed to come out with has been established in me. Sure there will be times I will remember, times I will feel that pain, but I have been given my Visa to travel, my passport to be free to step into the next season….its FALL now! I love Fall!

My encouragement to you friends of mine, or if you happen onto this note by some other way, regardless, is to be open, to share your heart, to remain pliable in Gods hands as he works on you. Sure there are painful and trying times that may be right in front of you, but as you go through them, you will start to understand that every step brings you closer to becoming who you are really intended to be. An for those who think they are just how God wants them and they have already arrived at that place of perfection, well, I would suggest to you that life is much more meaningful and enjoyable when you look at the stops along the journey and share them with your fellow man :) Love with all your heart, forgive over and over, listen to that still small voice inside, and walk in the spirit...most of all...BE GENUINE!

20 things that life has taught me...

• 1. True, heart felt, gut busting laughter is definitely better than any medicine.
• 2. Stop and listen to your children, wisdom comes from their innocence.
• 3. The grass is never greener on the other side, water what you have and it will grow.
• 4. Memories of the past can haunt you, but allowing that to filter into the present can ruin the future.
• 5. Take what you have right in front of you and appreciate it before you end up wondering why you don't have it anymore.
• 6. Live in the moment.
• 7. Pray whenever the thought crosses your mind, you never know if you are the one with just the word that will break through.
• 8. Don't live life thinking what you should do, thats following someone elses plan.
• 9. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
• 10. Don't compare yourself to other people, they will never measure up.
• 11. Allow yourself to love, even if you are not guaranteed love in return.
• 12. Life is not all about YOU all the time.
• 13. When you hit the end of your life, your success won't matter at all, what will matter is how deeply you loved those placed in your life.
• 14. When a person crosses your mind, give them a call or send them a note, it will make their day.
• 15. Tell people thank you and your welcome.
• 16. Be a person who keeps their word.
• 17. Its ok to let go of unhealthy relationships.
• 18. When joy fills your heart, aknowledge it and linger in that moment.
• 19. Allow God to love you unconditionally.
• 20. Last, but not least...Sleep well, Rest easy and enjoy the simple things.